just come out here and I will go home with you...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize