she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
