i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
