Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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