I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
