it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
