I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
