We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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