i wish peter jackson would direct porn
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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