I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize