we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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