I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
