i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
