Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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