Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
