Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize