Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
True strength comes from lack of pants
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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