I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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