you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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