3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
