took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize