Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
