I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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