Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
