why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
