my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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