dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
