i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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