He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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