handjob tips. give me some.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
