A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
