I just made out with a guy for $7.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
