Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
