nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
