toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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