i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
