In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
