Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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