I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The power of my boobs compel you
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