im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
