yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize