I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
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