I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Randomize
