I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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