There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
