I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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