i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
