I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
