Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
