THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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