I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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