Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
