I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Every concussion has its silver lining
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Randomize