Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
