hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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