the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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