This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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