8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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