Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
