Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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