I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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