I just pynch a tree in the face
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
