I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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