im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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