Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
