I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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