No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
