Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
