you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
