The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize