so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
