i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
