Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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