i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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