He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
