i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
